Two years on from my last post and it's safe to say life is totally different.
A quick update on the major points of interest over this time period will likely be sufficient; no one likes to hear about other people's chaos really, do they? I know that as much as I like to be the listener and the shoulder, I usually revert back to my own brand of chaos fairly quickly at the end of the conversation. Not that I don't think about other's problems - I do that too much! - but rather it's a fleeting sigh and wish that I could make them want to actually help themselves as much as I want to help them. But, I digress.
So, biggest event was the sudden loss of my Mom. One day she was in hospital with a lump in her neck which, in their infinite wisdom as usual, was considered an up-till-that-point-(40-years-down-the-line) unnoticed fragment of tonsil that hadn't been removed properly and become seriously infected. Well it only took them another 6 weeks to actually biopsy it for cancerous cells, which then came back with the obvious. Next thing you know it was spreading like wildfire and was already in her brain. She told me she was going to die on the 22nd of November 2013 with an expected prognosis of about a year on the outside. She died on the 21st of February 2014, three days before our last family holiday was planned to start.
I began my training as a Functional Diagnostic Nutrition Practioner in the December with the hopes of helping her as part of my training, but never got nearly that far before I had to come to terms with the fact that she really was beyond help. As it goes, I'm still doing the course, but it's been a bumpy ride. There have been long periods when I have not done any work on it, believing no one would actually want my help or listen to little ol' me. But then I'd pick it up again, in between general life chaos. I'm not far from done now though, finally.
The money she left me meant that my husband and I could finally buy a house. Or so we thought. Even with a hefty deposit, on my husband's salary alone, all we could afford in the neighbourhood we were in; which we didn't want to leave because we didn't want to change the kids' school after everything we'd been through; was a two bedroom flat. 2 bedrooms plus 3 children plus a hefty amount of work to do to the property = not much fun for anyone; not to mention the joy of downsizing from a 3 bedroom house!
We're now in the process of finishing up what jobs we are going to do (we decided not to redo the bathroom after all) and we are going to put it back on the market just 6 months after buying it. Feels like 6 bloody years I tell you! We have also taken the kids out of school again, this time permanently. Us and the state system don't mix; I'll leave it at that... But it does mean that the summer holidays won't just be the usual count down, school supply shopping, keep-them-busy-till-the-September affair... No this year we are going to be house hunting, crafting Christmas presents, getting ready to learn in a new way and training the newest addition to the family: rescue pup Kiwi ;-)
All the while I've been battling with my chronic health conditions. I bought the book "The Paleo Approach" by Dr. Sarah Ballantyne and discovered that my severe and ever-worsening eczema along with the fatigue, headaches, brain fog, joint pain etc were a result of not only a leaky gut, but autoimmunity. Finally I had a label for my problems and an action plan to deal with them. Only...it wasn't that simple. I had quit smoking pretty much cold turkey while my Mom was dying in the hospital, and that had given the courage and belief in myself that I could DO this thang! But it was soooooooo freaking hard. I toughed it out for 2 months; I was squeaky clean for 2 whole months and I was seeing some really positive results, though my eczema wasn't gone yet. Then I made my daughter a Frozen cake with a white chocolate bowl over the top for her to break open with a toy hammer and lo and behold, all that white chocolate just sitting there...begging me to put it in my mouth...
It was a slippery slope. I didn't allow myself anything except the white chocolate at first, and it didn't seem to matter (my eczema even cleared up finally, with only the occasional flare up from foods as I discovered my other food sensitivities outside the AIP) but then one day I let myself have black tea with sugar while out and about. And then it was a glass of wine. And by Christmas 2014 I was no longer on the AIP, though I was still fooling myself into believing I was, despite my increasingly severe relapses of eczema.
Then in January I woke up to reality and decided to do a family wide candida cleanse since I could see the problems in each of us, especially after the over-consumption over the festive period. All this happening right around the time we were moving out...one lives and learns...right?
Since then I have come to realise that one of the biggest reasons I still don't feel right and still need to take 4 drops of Pregnenolone every morning otherwise I can't function, is not only because of the stress I've been under but also because my thyroid is seriously out of whack. The more I read into it, the more I am certain I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. So recently I bought the Thyroid Bundle and I'm wading my way through the vast tomes of very important information imparted in a host of ways, from the comforting and caring "I've been there, this is how you can get better, everything you are is enough" type, to the tough-love "it's you and only you that can make this happen so pull your finger out!" type. I appreciate both types equally; sometimes I need the kick, sometimes the hand-holding.
But the upside with all of this is that I have learned some very interesting things about myself. Things I never in a million years dreamed was inside of me. And I've learned a helluva lot about other people too. Here's a brief insight:
1. I am strong; much stronger than I ever dreamed. The body may be struggling, but the will is there. I honestly believed that when my Mom died I would be reduced to living a half-life, missing half of me (and believing my husband was the other half of me - funny how I never before wondered where I was in this equation). But then I realised a few months after she died that not only had I not disintegrated completely, but I'd actually coped, and that I was right there the whole time throughout my life, hiding behind her. Letting her make all the decisions I should have made myself.
I realised that the times I did things her way and not the way I felt I should have, I didn't fare as well as I might have had I done things my way. It was a hard thing to admit to myself. It's also been very hard to not have the only other person (besides my long-suffering husband) who really knew me; though I now wonder if she ever truly understood me as I thought she did; to talk to. Thank the Universe for good friends and a very patient man!
2. I have power. Power to change my life to what I want it to be. Power to take control of my destiny, to speak to the Universe and get what I want delivered right to me. Cosmic ordering is as real as my enormous basket full of unpaired socks. And I'm learning more and more each day how to better wield this power to get what I need. And it's funny because it's literally as simple as asking for the thing I want, out loud or in my head, believing it will come when the time is right. A good example of this is when I hit a blue day and I asked for help to finally figure out what was causing my fatigue, then receiving in my inbox an email about the Thyroid bundle that day. It happens a lot like that, when I ask for information. It helps that I'm subscribed to the type of people that so kindly share these resources, but to get exactly what I need the day I ask for it? Bit too coincidental don't you think?
Another example is our puppy, Kiwi. Several weeks ago, we decided it was time to get the kids a pet, since we promised them a dog when we finally had a house of our own. I wanted to get degus since I felt a dog would be too much in the way while we were finishing up the house, but everything seemed to get in the way of us getting hold of a pair with a good sized home and I wasn't going to settle for a crappy little cage meant for sedentary creatures like hamsters. My husband, despite being the type of person "who doesn't like animals" kept saying we should just get a dog. Just get a dog, he repeats on a daily basis.
So one day after a big let down with a couple who decided, whilst we were on route to them, to keep their degus, I drove us to Battersea here in Brandshatch. And we loved all the dogs there, but after several conversations with the lovely folk there, we were told that really, with small kids, a puppy would be the only way to go. So we decided to wait for a puppy to arrive, which we were told could take anything from three weeks to three months. I, however, am not a patient person once I've decided what I want. I told the Universe I wanted a puppy ASAP. The following Monday we got a call from Battersea to say that they had an 11week old Staffy cross puppy brought in and did we want to go and look at her. And the rest, as they say, is history. See? It works. Here's a great, no-nonsense book.
 |
| Arnie with Kiwi |
3. People don't listen if it's not something they are passionate about too. And even then they will only listen if it is in alignment with what they believe or can agree on. Or they have specifically asked for it. And then I have to be careful to stay on the exact topic or risk them fading on me. So if they ask how they can get rid of their shaving rash, I can suggest using an electric shaver and using a non-petroleum based moisturiser and maybe go so far as to suggest omitting vegetable oils so they reduce their body's need to detox through the skin, but that is about it. Any more detailed and they walk away asking themselves what the first thing I said was.
I have offered friends and family inordinate amounts of hard-earned information to try to help them (usually when they've been complaining about something that bothers them) and it's fallen on deaf ears and unwilling hearts every time. It's been a bitter pill to swallow, since as an FDN Practioner I want to be helping people to actually get better, especially those I care about. But I've realised I will only be able to help those who actually want to put in the work and help themselves. Otherwise it's a big waste of both our time. So, hello internet marketing course, and thank the Universe FDN can be practiced via Skype!
There have been many other lessons learned along the way, but those were by far the biggest for me. I've realised that I can't take care of others without taking care of myself. I've realised taking care of myself can't be a half-arsed job either; it's all or nothing baby. I've learned that good friends are worth their weight in gold. I've come to realise that I love my husband and children more than life itself, but I no longer depend on them to fulfil my every need. I have come to admire my own self, my strength and good characteristics and learned to forgive my lesser qualities. I have learned to forgive others their lesser qualities too, though this sometimes takes a lot of conscious effort! Especially when it comes to my husband, bless him, he puts up with so much and works so hard for us as a family.
Above all, I have learned to value life and our role in determining what happens within this incredibly small time frame we have on Earth. It's these lessons I'm taking with me as I embark on the next phase of my life. Doors have shut and others have opened and I'm getting ready to step through them. To restart once more. Wish me luck!
Everyone is on a journey. What life lessons have you gleaned from yours so far?
No comments:
Post a Comment